Thursday, May 29, 2008

Breather..

Despite the barrage of problems lately, I am thankfully still in good terms with sanity. I cannot afford to enumerate the series of glitches. I’ll waste not other minute reminiscing bad times. Several weeks of hell… that’s what it was. Having my kids really sick gets to me pretty bad. Especially when I’m forced to not be around them, it’s like being someplace else but not really being there. It went on for days, with all the junks piling higher and higher. I was starting to make a habit of absentmindedly coursing through things… and it even got to the point when I exhaust myself thinking and I start to get chest pains and it gets harder and harder to breath. Last Tuesday, I was on the edge. And Shayne, one of my long-time friends suddenly came into existence chatting with me asking how I was. After having to talk to her, I went to the bathroom and cried. And it felt so good. Fantabulously good.

I thank Thee for the tears that gently wash away the large, ugly lumps causing my heart to ache almost endlessly.

I remember the cliché that I have used in my highschool scrapbook project “Be careful of what you wish for… You might get it.”

When I was younger, I would pray, asking God to please not hurt the people I love. I would ask Him with all naivety that He pour all the misery down on me.

Was I stupid to ask for it? Maybe it was just youth, or maybe I just love these people so much…

And one of the ironies was that when I was praying for these things, I had this silly suicidal tendency. When things boil too hot, I hurt myself.

When I look back on those events, everything seems stupid.

Now, I cannot afford to die. I am somewhat afraid to die. Not because I am afraid of Death. I’d gladly spit at Death’s bad eye…

What I am afraid of is leaving my precious gems behind.

Boundless… That’s how I love

Lian and Dylan.

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